Stories I would like to sub: Number nine

A parish council and a church warden declare that they have grave concerns about youths congregating in a cemetary to drink cider and make a noise.

Stories I would like to sub: Number eight

I am very disappointed that I have never had a story about an evil Scout group.

We had a story here about a youth band that received poison pen letters from an anti-fan; but they were simply loud and tuneless (if the letters were to be believed), rather than deliberately evil.

I think the evil Scout group activities would include:

• stealing unripe fruit from people's gardens -- but they'd do it in quite an obvious way, probably leaving a few caps and woggles behind to show it was them
• chalking words like 'bum' and 'fart' on the pavement outside the Post Office
• running sticks along newly painted railings
• leaning over a fence to shout 'yah' at passers-by
• making posies for their mums using flowers stolen from municipal flower beds
• something unmentionable (involving marbles) to the toilets in the church hall

Stories I would like to sub: Number seven

While stealing some lead from a church roof, a fishmonger is struck by a portion of frozen white fish (possibly battered and with chips) that has fallen from an aeroplane. I would write the headline 'Hand of cod'.

Stories I would like to sub: Number six

An anti-speed campaigner declares that she is putting her foot down.

Stories I would like to sub: Number five

Attractive firefighters and the headline 'Come on baby fight my fire.'

Stories I would like to sub: Number four

A waterfowl enthusiast and casino owner is looking for a mate for his rare breed drake. The headline would be: 'Let duck be a lady'.

Stories I would like to sub: Number three

A road -- possibly with a tenuous Bob Dylan connection -- gets some new street furniture; and I get to write the headline 'The signs they are a-changin''.

Stories I would like to sub: Number two

A family is told to get rid of their pet penguin or possibly a zebra. A spokesperson from the housing association says that the rules are clear: 'It's written down in black and white.'

Picture from Stock.xchng

Stories I would like to sub: Number one

Firefighters suffer inconvenience and state that they feel 'put out'.

Picture from Stock.xchng